Notes on Living the Single Life (and the Single Parent Life)

My single parenting days ended 10 years ago when both of my kiddos left home – one for college, and they other for married life.  I have often laughed since then and called myself the “single grandmother.”

The truth is – there’s a special place in my heart for single Moms with hard circumstances; there always has been.  So it wasn’t difficult at all for me when it came time to choose which break-out sessions I’d attend at this years TGCW Conference.  (The Gospel Coalition for Women – if you haven’t been, I highly recommend it).

I’ve been attending TGCW with my girlfriends Sarah and Ruth since 2014, and since that time we’ve grown from a group of three women, to a group of five women because Ruth’s family has grown, and she has hit the jackpot with two lovely daughters-in-law.  It’s our reunion time – representing three different states for the few days we get to be together.  This year brought an extra dose of the giggles when we decided to stay in a hotel attached to the conference center.  Just picture – pajama parties, chocolate chip cookies, and trying to fall asleep, but we can’t stop laughing.  I think this might have been my favorite year so far.

But, back to those break-out sessions.  This was the first year that I recall there being sessions specifically focused on being single, and another on being a single parent.  I believed that I was attending them so that I could gain some wisdom on how to encourage younger moms still in the single parent season – not having gotten to the single grandma stage yet.

And I did.  But something else happened, too.  I realized, first in a room of probably 1,000 women, and again the following morning in a room of only about 20 women – that ALL of us had quite a few things in common, and some of those things I hadn’t ever realized about myself or my circumstances.

The 20 of us that got up almost two hours early to attend the very small session on single parenting could have shared stories for the rest of the day, except that we all had other sessions to attend.  And all of us had funny stories to tell about some of the ridiculous things that have been said to us about our singleness, so I thought I’d just share a few of my notes in hopes that they will encourage some, and help anyone who is walking alongside someone single, or someone raising children without a spouse.

On being single….

• The church overall has an anemic view of singleness, and often marriage becomes an idol.
• Marriage isn’t like completing a season of life and receiving a diploma.  We do not “graduate” to marriage.  
• Don’t pursue or be pursued in order to “graduate” and be useful to God. Seek Christ.  Period.
• Your motivation in marriage or singleness must be to honor Christ above all.  Period.
• The church needs to grow in the matter of addressing families, and women should not be separated into activities based on their marital status.  We ALL long to belong and be known, and we ALL belong, 
• Singles / divorced women might be your best prayer warriors.  Those with failed marriages want nothing more than for YOUR marriage to succeed.  So please don’t see us as the sin you assume we want to commit with your husband.  We are your sisters in Christ. 
• If you think single women should not be leaders in ministry, don’t forget about Paul 😉 God chose him, didn’t He?
• Please don’t make assumptions regarding singles – why they are single, why they are divorced, or assume that they have more time, money, and resources, etc.  They might not.
• Single people look forward all week to being with church family on Sunday, but they leave and go right back home to an empty house.  So sometimes, Sundays are just hard.
• Please don’t make assumptions that there must be something wrong with someone who is divorced, or still single, or chooses to remain single – that they are too independent, stuck in their ways, etc.   We are self sufficient UNDER CHRIST – so please do not weaponize our independence against us with assumptions.
• We are freed up in Christ as singles, which could put us at a vantage point of being able to minister into marriages.  We want marriages to succeed.  We can be your biggest prayer warriors!
• Singleness is NOT a “season of life.”  It is a calling.
• Do not encourage dating and marriage; instead, encourage pursuing Christ.  Become more and more like Christ.  A godly woman makes a good single person OR a good wife. 
• Max out all the TIME you can by pursuing Christ and the scriptures.  There is a uniqueness in being single to pursue this.

On Single Parenting…..

• Single parents feel insufficient ALL THE TIME.  (Yesss!  I could never have put this into words before this past weekend!)
• Difficulties for married parents are exponentially difficult for single moms and dads.
• Grief is a common denominator in every single parent home – for LIFE.  It never, ever goes away.  (Truth!  We constantly grieve what we lost, what we thought we had, but realize we never did, what we will never have, and the list goes on!)
• When you choose to walk with a single parent – this will require long-term loving.
• No help is ever coming. You’re alone to manage school, discipline, finances, broken stuff, etc., leaving single parents more vulnerable (and statistics are not pretty). Good thing there are new ways to get money such as betting utan svensk licens trustly.
  
• Single parents must remain vigilant all of the time so that their children will not be a statistic.
• There is exponential pressure and responsibility.
• Single parents feel like they fail all day long, every single day.  (Truth!!!)
• Single parents become single grandparents and continue to be thought of us incomplete, inadequate, and unworthy.
• Single parents need to know where they fit in – ESPECIALLY in the Church.
• When the speaker’s husband died, who spoke in this particular session, her son said, “I guess this means we’re not a family anymore.”  Even at his young age, he realized the brokenness of a family with only one parent.
• Single parents are not living the life that most of the sermons and church events are focused on.
• Church should be where single parents run TO, not away FROM. 
• If you question how God feels about single moms, remember Hagar in Genesis 16.  “You are the God who sees me.”  God invited her to tell Him her story – the story He already knew.  He cared for her, and He wanted to hear it from her.  This is how much God loves you and your child.  (She named her son Ishmael which means “God hears.”)  
• God does not reject single parents. 
• There is no Gospel in assumptions. 
• Frequently, how someone became a single parent is the most painful story of their life.  They feel shameful and cannot afford things, and they don’t want to ask for help.
• The most painful holidays are Father’s Day, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and Every. Single. Holiday – a CONSTANT reminder of the happy marriage they do not have, and the father their children do not have.  (I definitely can testify to this one!  Just never put it into words before like this!)
• Single parents are unintentionally shamed as problems to be dealt with.
• Church is commanded to care for the widow AND the bereft / divorced, but they are often forgotten.
• Single parents almost always don’t have enough resources – time, money, energy, wisdom.
• If you’re walking alongside a single parent, know that weekends are hard, holidays are hard, birthdays are hard, and anniversaries of hard dates are hard.  Know them.  Write them down.  Do something that day for them to show them that you remember.
• Who are the single parents in your church?  If you don’t know any, this might be a problem.  Are there none?  Why aren’t there any??  If there are, get to know their children.  Save seats for them at church.  Encourage mentorship.  Tell their parents when you see their children doing something good.  They have no spouse to encourage them, so you do it!

One of the most humbling things I heard said all weekend, was at 7:30 in the morning from a gal sitting at my table next to me.  She had a child at home, and had just had two miscarriages.  She was not single, nor was she a single mother.  She attended the session because she said she felt very misunderstood and overlooked in her own circumstances, but rather than sulk in self pity, she wanted to find another group of women who also felt overlooked and misunderstood in THEIR circumstances, and she knew that single parents definitely fit this category.  She wanted to learn from them, so that she could more compassionately serve the single parents in her community.  Wow, just wow.  We should all be a lot more like her, and I’m certain the Lord seated her right next to me for a reason!

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with all of this just yet, but certainly something’s around the corner.  I’m sure of it. Meanwhile, I hope that any little thing I wrote encourages you…    Especially if you’re a single Mom or Dad.