“A crackly voice saying blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…”
This was a close friend’s response to a text I sent to a few besties that read, “Send me the very first thought that comes to mind when I say the word, “mother-in-law.” I sent it with a genuine sense of curiosity, but knew in the process I would enjoy some good laughs.
Since the day my oldest son married his high school sweetie 13 years ago and my younger son left home for college at the same time, I have joked about it having taken me five years to learn how to make mashed potatoes for one. I say it jokingly, but it’s my way of expressing that when the kids left home – everything changed. Everything.
There was one-third the laundry to do, one-third the beds to change. Grocery bill plummeted. I stopped using the dishwasher because mine was the only dish. No one yelled, “Hi Mum!” when I turned the key and opened the front door after a shift. “What’s for dinner” didn’t really matter anymore. I emptied all of the top shelves I was unable to reach, and if I woke up to unwashed dishes, I was the only one to blame.
That all might sound really trivial, but to me – it wasn’t. I cried. I cried a LOT. And since both of mine left at the same time, I just figured this entitled me to a double portion of self pity.
It sounds so lame, I know. We don’t raise our babies to keep them. We raise them to launch out into the world, to dream big dreams, and to succeed!
But after just shy of a couple of decades of preparing for that, I realized I hadn’t really prepared mySELF for that. Don’t laugh – but tell me when the last time was that you looked at your growing child and asked yourself where the time has gone? Likely this morning, right?
Same, same! For me that season just seemed to arrive so abruptly, about the same time as the throws of menopause, and I was not ready. They were babies one day, and the next thing I know they were shaving and playing high school football!
Parenthetically – I just want to suggest that friends and family members stop teasing women about being hormonal or moody during this season of life. What people like to instinctively label and laugh at as menopausal mood swings, might just be real life grief. The kind of grief that never gets addressed because typically it’s also right about the time their adult kids are moving out, getting married, or going away to college. In fact, it may actually have absolutely nothing to do with menopausal hormones at all, and everything to do with an abrupt loss of the most precious thing a mother has ever held dear to her. Rather than laugh – can we come alongside and show some grace?
After 13 years, I’ve settled into new routines and am enjoying the empty nest, as well as the freedom to come and go. But it REQUIRED time, and it took wise, godly women coming alongside me. One in particular was Noelle. We sat outside at Panera one afternoon, and she shared that her mother-in-law used to call randomly and offer to bring over lunch. It took her a couple of years before it dawned on her that her mother-in-law was not trying to have lunch with her – she was trying to build and nurture a relationship with her. I haven’t forgotten that, nor have I kept it to myself. Wisdom is worth passing along. (Thanks, Noelle!)
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
Nowadays I’m often approached by younger women whose children are getting married, and they are confused by the unexpected grief and anxiety they feel – just like I was.
This is more evidence for the importance of intergenerational friendships, and the truth that we really need one another. If all you’ve got is friends your age or younger that you feel the need to share all of your mom hacks with, but you don’t have someone in your life who moves a lot slower, sharing ice-age-old wisdom with you – honey, you are really missing out. They know some stuff that you don’t, and trust me – you need them. We both need them!
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:3-5
But back to becoming a mother-in-law…
The sooner you realize it’s not all about you, the better.
I know how harsh that sounds, but it couldn’t be truer. Remember all those mornings your hair looked awful, you had yesterday’s mascara smudged into the bags under your eyes, but you got up to feed your child? You would do that all over again, wouldn’t you? It wasn’t about you then, and it’s still not about you. You’re still Mom. Let that comfort you. And if your child who is preparing to get married is behaving as if they don’t need or want you around… well, that’s just more evidence that they still need you. It’s just gonna look a little different now. Again – let that comfort you. And if you’re pre-maritally counseling young couples, please consider incorporating reminders to be kind and gentle with parents; it’s all new for them too. Grace goes a long, long way.
Remember when you wanted to walk behind them, ready to catch them before their little knees that had never been scraped hit the cement? I know. You still want to do that. Take a few steps back. They learned how to walk just fine, and those skinned knees are evidence. Are they going to make mistakes? You betcha. So are you! Will they fall? Yep. So will you! That’s how they learn. They’d have never learned to walk, had you never let them fall. And yep – it’s how we learn too. We need grace in both directions.
This whole becoming an in-law thing – it’s hard. Really hard – It just is. But what an incredible opportunity to lean into God a lot closer. Trust those kids to Him. They’ll be fine, and so will you.
In the meantime, resurrect a new hobby. Read, write, refinish a piece of furniture. Go visit an old friend. Make new ones. Go on more dates and road trips with your spouse. But in between each of those new things, take the time to create opportunities to build and nurture a relationship with your in-law. And if it takes two years before they realize that’s what you’re doing – that’s okay – just ask Noelle 😉 And pray for one another. Pray every single day for each other. You’re getting an addition to the family. More people to love. It’ll work out, you’ll see… And you’re just gonna love your new role. Cross my heart, promise.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV
It’s a new season. Take a deep breath. Surround yourself with those who model healthy relationships. Noelle’s husband Brad takes good care of his Mother-in-law, frequently moving her appliances so that she can wash the floor behind them, and all sorts of other things. My own brother-in-law, Tom, takes time off from work to drive our 89-year-old mother to physical therapy, see her favorite hair dresser across town, and take detours on the way home into coin shops. Be intentional about seeing these things. Don’t surround yourself with those who tell in-law horror stories. It’s NOT time well spent. It’s just not.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8 ESV
I’m no in-law expert, but these are just a few of the things I’ve learned along my own journey of getting two bonus daughter-in-laws. I love them both, trust them both, enjoy them both, and am always excited to sit down and chat it up for a long, long time at each of their kitchen tables.
And in the words of my daughter-in-law Holly, one of the best things that could happen to you, is that your family grows so big that you end up having to purchase a bigger dining room table 😉 THAT is my prayer for you tonight.
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