Every night for the past three weeks I’ve sat down to write, then wound up going to bed with intentions to do so in the morning – and failing. This is unusual for me. I usually sit down to do something and I get it done.
This COVID stuff has really done a number on my thinking. Nothing is the same anymore. Not my days, not my thoughts, not my routines…… nothing. It’s really difficult to rest.
Tonight I remembered though, that most of my favorite blogs have begun the same way – up to my chin in bubbles in the bathtub, half asleep……. So jumped in the tub, I did! And here I am now, cuddled up on my couch, wrapped in the multi-colored afghan Aunt Iris made for me decades ago, and my head on the pillowcase Mum made. I feel smothered in love, and I’m ready to write.
I’ve lost track of time this month and last. Ever since our charge nurse showed me a notification that came across his pager almost 4 weeks ago now, for an admit with the diagnosis of “rule out COVID,” time has become so strangely moving. I’m not sure if it’s flying by or standing still to be honest with you. Sometimes, I’m convinced it is doing a bit of both.
I had plans for the end of March. I was going to take the train to visit my son in Chicago for a weekend. I’m not sure when that’s going to take place. I wonder when the next time I’ll see Ian is. It could be months!
It’s rained quite a bit lately. Oh yeah! I almost forgot – It’s April. April showers bring May flowers. I can hardly believe that it’s April!
Speaking of flowers – there’s no one selling flowers on the corner for Easter next week. This is just so weird. It doesn’t feel like Spring, and I have to remind myself it’s almost Easter.
I stopped to buy Benadryl at Walgreen’s on my way home from work and someone saw my nursing scrubs and almost ran their cart into a shelf trying to avoid me. She looked at me like she’d seen me on America’s Most Wanted. I feel like a leper.
People are arguing on social media about the Governor, about the President, the economy, China, who started the virus, who’s hiding all of the N-95 masks, and a host of other issues.
I can’t listen. I can’t take it. I just can’t.
Several people have sent me conspiracy theory videos claiming hospitals are empty, and that this COVID-19 Coronavirus is all nothing but a big government hoax. That’s right. The hospitals are empty. I guess we’re all up there in the ICU just playing cards then, right? Alrighty then…..
I don’t even waste my breath, brain, time, or emotions on this nonsense. I just can’t.
FaceTiming my grandchildren is fun. But nothing can replace the touch of someone you love. When my grandson cried with his arms held out to me from a distance pleading, “UP! up!” begging me to hold him, and my granddaughter cried one day and said, “But Gummy, why can’t you please just hold me?” that’s when this virus really started to make me angry.
It hurts, doesn’t it? It hurts not to be touched. It just does. I know. I know because there is just something so comforting about my head on Mum’s pillowcase right now, and wrapped in my Aunt Iris’s afghan…… but it’s not quite like either of their embraces. It’s just not.
This is hard. This is just really, really hard.
I could focus on all of the things I don’t get to do right now. I could tell you all about how horrific this COVID-19 virus is, because I see it every time I go to work. I see what it does to perfectly healthy people. I see what it does to the families and loved ones who don’t get to hold the hand of their dying spouse, mother, father, or worse yet – both. I could tell you how unfair it feels not to be able to hug Lyla and Owen, or hug my grown children, visit my 83-year-old mother, or have lunch at my sister’s.
And while all of this, quite frankly, sucks – I can’t go on and on about it (like I did above)… You see, because right from the very first week of caring for the sickest of the sick, I literally sent out MAYDAY text messages to my besties asking for encouragement, prayers, songs, Scripture, and for reminders of the God who remains in control, even when things seem like complete chaos. That’s what we are supposed to do for one another!
Those prayers and encouragements have continued to very timely fuel me every single day for the past several weeks. I began sending update emails to those closest to me, and journaled a bit in between as well. Now – I can hardly keep up.
So this – This is my very first attempt at blogging my thoughts as I walk through these days. I’m not sure what it’s going to look like, but I hope to be able to send you some encouragement right from the very front line!
And yes, I’m currently well stocked on Calgon bubble bath 😉
“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the TIME, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:15-21